Advertisment

Happily Ever After

author-image
DQI Bureau
New Update

Dear Miss Nuptials,

Advertisment

On the eve of my wedding, I’m getting the funny feeling that not everyone

is totally supportive. My shareholders have withdrawn several billion from my

stock trousseau. Cousin Walter Hewlett is fussing. Some customers say they won’t

buy our products until they’re sure the marriage will work. My employees just

can’t seem to get past the fact that thousands of them will lose their jobs–I

mean does everything always have to be about them? Ironically, my competitors

Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy and Dell Computer Founder Michael Dell have

been super-supportive. Miss Nuptials, am I just being too sensitive?

Signed, Carly Fiorina

Dear Carly,

Advertisment

Somehow, ever since that press conference where you and

Compaq Computer CEO Michael Capellas put on that Very Brady Bunch engagement

party, I knew I’d be hearing from you. Alas, the days are past when an

indefatigable blonde lady in an excellent pantsuit can proclaim her optimism for

merging two dysfunctional families into one big happy one and be taken

seriously. I must confess that, when I heard that loud crash, I thought the

Brady’s dog Tiger had gotten loose and was dragging Alice the housekeeper

around–but I guess it was just the sound of all that market value being

vaporized.

I hate to break it to you, Carly, but Las Vegas oddsmakers

believe that it’s more likely Osama bin Laden will give the commencement

address at Sarah Lawrence next June than that anything good will come of the

HP-Compaq marriage. The stats on tech mergers are worse than the divorce rate.

The majority of mergers lose value for shareholders. Have you never heard of

AT&T and NCR? Burroughs and UNIVAC? Just ask Mr Capellas about Compaq’s

ill-considered elopement with DEC. I know he assured you that it meant nothing

(men!)–but there’s a lesson there.

Miss Nuptials knows that you are frustrated, but I was

startled by that e-mail you sent HP employees defending the merger and reminding

them "until your manager tells you otherwise, stay focused." Miss

Nuptials wonders if "otherwise" might have sounded a bit like

"until you’re asked to pack up and march briskly to the parking

lot."

Advertisment

On the bright side, I applaud your move in forging a truly

modern alliance, what with Compaq agreeing to take your name and all. But

really, isn’t it time you cleaned up your own company before you start

slathering other people’s problems on it like frosting on a seven-layer cake?

Miss Nuptials always urges families to respect a bride’s choices, but

announcing that you were "not surprised" when the founding families of

HP came out against this hookup was a blast of snippishness unbecoming a

well-compensated CEO. After all, we have come to that part of the ceremony when

people with a few billion on the line don’t have to hold their peace.

The heat is on, and no doubt wedding planners at Wilson

Sonsini Goodrich & Rosati and Goldman Sachs are busy spritzing you with

Optimism and Eau de Synergy. However, we have checked with Miss Manners on this

and declare that backing out might still be the better course. It’s not like

anyone but Michael Dell and Scott McNealy have sent gifts, and I hardly think

those silver goblets engraved with "1+1=-2" were in good taste. What’s

a few caterers’ deposits compared with marching a once-great company down the

aisle and into a sinkhole? Miss Nuptials’ advice: Bow out, check into a spa

for a refreshing makeover, and peruse the ample literature on co-dependency–in

your case starting with CEOs Who Merge Too Much.

Signed, Miss Nuptials

BusinessWeek. Copyright 2001 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc

Advertisment